So, I have decided that authenticity means writing about the thunderclouds and not just the rainbows. It has been an extremely difficult week. I got very sick after the last treatment, and what I initially thought was just me taking longer to bounce back is now looking like I maybe had another serious reaction to the immunotherapy. For 5 days I could barely stay conscious, I had terrible nausea and vomiting, and other unremitting GI symptoms (which shall remain unnamed). I required IV rehydration at the hospital, and while the zombie sleeping (as I call it) has finally eased, I am still struggling with the rest. I am now back to focusing on fuelling as a full-time job since I lost 13 pounds last week.
As luck would have it, this was also the week that George was out west, meeting Sydney and her friend at Big White for midterm break. They did this last year and had an amazing father-daughter trip, so I was insistent on them going again. Even at my worst over the past week, it made me smile to imagine them on the slopes. For his part, George says the take-away message is that he is never leaving me here again. It is so hard to balance the all-consuming demands of this illness with any semblance of normalcy for our family, but I am determined to keep trying. Of course, I also reserve the right at some passive-aggressive moment in the future to re-cast this as the time George went skiing with the fellas and left me home to get brutally chemo sick on my own.
And to be clear, I was NEVER alone. Our dear friends Heidy and Mark Zgodka came out from Alberta to stay for the week. Our kids enjoyed renewing their friendships and spent much of an unseasonably warm week out on the trampoline. Heidy and Mark were a godsend. They made the kids’ breakfasts, cooked dinners, picked up endless supplies, oversaw Valentine’s crafts, took their kids to watch our kids’ practices and drove our kids around. They even honoured a dubiously cast Super Bowl bet to take Grady for ice cream. It was so good to see them, although I wish I had been awake for more of it.
Raquel spent the nights here and set her alarm many times each night to check on me. Also, while Sydney thinks the best part of the cancer gig is the free food, it is actually the nightly foot and calf massages from Raquel. They help with the neuropathy and get me nice and cozy to sleep. Finally, Sue and Donna were here daily and continue to help with every little detail. (And a special shout out to Sue for realizing I needed to go in for rehydration).
The hardest part of this for me continues to be the impact on my role and identity as a parent. Our kids are amazing and resilient, and over the last week, I saw them just quietly adjust our interactions to whatever I could handle, even if that meant coming in to tuck my blanket around me and see if I needed anything. I do not judge myself for this, because I know I am doing my very best, but it just makes me so damned sad for them and for me. However, they also continue to be my biggest source of joy, and so I wanted to share a recent Tilly Take…
On Wednesday night, I was feeling strong enough to make it to the other end of the house for a little visit with Tilly and Sue. I was lying on the family room floor with my Ugg blanket, when I realized if I did not get back to my room soon, it was going to be hard to get there. I was too weak to carry my blanket, so Tilly draped it around her shoulders like a fancy stole.
On the way down the hall, her monologue went something like this…
“You know how everyone thinks rich people are weak and kind of useless because they have to get other people to do everything for them? Well, I don’t think that’s necessarily true. First… high heels. They wear them ALL the time, and especially if you roll your ankles a lot, you have to have pretty conditioned feet and ankles to do that. Second, lots of them get butt implants, and you have to have very specific leg muscles to be able to walk with good posture and a big, implanted butt. Third, some of the stuff they wear is quite heavy, like mink jackets (*at which point I realize this entire observation was prompted by her wearing my Ugg banket around her shoulders), so I think they are probably stronger than we think.”
I just love that little brain.
Well, hoping for a better week. Finn arrives shortly for midterm break, and Grady is in Thunder Bay competing at the Ontario Winter Games, so lots to look forward to.
Tilly sounds a treasure, clearly her extraordinary mother’s daughter. Thank you for sharing her insights and yours in this moving post.
I love your little (big!) brain. This blog is a treasure and I feel privileged to be able to share in your difficult journey.