In between the awesomeness

[27 March 2024]

I wrote my last post after a fabulous ski trip out west, and the words flew out of my fingertips. When I was thinking about what to write this time, I realized that it is much easier to write when I have something awesome and heroic to report on, or at least some good action photos. But of course, the majority of this journey is of the more mundane day-to-day, one-foot-in-front-of-the-other variety. So, I have decided to write about that, and specifically, the strategies I am using to maintain positive mental health and a sense of wellbeing, when much of the day-to-day leans towards dreary.

One of the informational leaflets I was provided with early on had a list of things you can do to improve your outcomes with cancer. Eat well. Sleep. Reduce stress. All of this is sound advice, of course, but learning that you are going to die and leave your family prematurely is a highly stress-inducing experience. I knew from the start I would need to bring my personal and professional “A” game to retain any sense of optimism and wellbeing. I very intentionally rifled through my toolkit of coping strategies to pick a few I could use, even in those early and disorienting days. I want to share three of them with the hope that maybe these will resonate with someone else going through a hard time.

My first strategy is to practice gratitude. Although this can sound hippie-ish, there is a growing body of research on the myriad benefits of this practice (and the way that it can positively impact your mental health, neurobiology and even your immune system). Our survival brains are wired to be pessimistic and perceive threat, so it takes some intention and focus to shift this. The nice thing about gratitude interventions is that research shows they can be very minimal and still have measurable impacts. You do not need to spend a month at a silent retreat reflecting on your blessings. Even the simple act of writing three things you are grateful for before bed can have significant impacts on your mental health, and that is the strategy I chose in the fall. Ideally, you identify three specific, current things that you are grateful for (versus more global positives). There are many cute gratitude journals out there, but I just use a blank notebook.

Some days it is harder than others to come up with three. There was one day in October when I was feeling terrible, and Kate drove me into the city for a PET scan, which made me feel 100 times worse, because they crank you up with radioactive dye and a high concentration of glucose. (In fact, you are so radioactive that on your way out the door, they hand you a card to show the SWAT team if you inadvertently trigger a radioactivity alarm at a bridge or tunnel!) Traffic was bad, and I was feeling worse and worse on the way home. I began to fear that we were facing an imminent gastrointestinal disaster, but somehow, I slumped against the car door, breathed through it, and got home without incident. That night, I was really struggling to come up with my three gratitudes, and I actually had to use “did not vomit or poop myself on the Bruckner Expressway” as one of them. The point is that the actual item does not matter – it is the practice of shifting your focus and heart to the positives that is important.

The second strategy I use is a handful of coping statements / mantras / reminders I have landed on. These can help you set intentions or counter negative thoughts and spirals. One of my favourites is, “Because today is the day I have.” I use this statement in two different ways. Sometimes, it is motivational. When we were out west and my family was suiting up to go ski and I was in pain and exhausted, “because today is the day I have” was a reminder that this is likely the best opportunity I will have to ski with my family, and I needed to find another gear and get out there.

Other times, I use it as a reminder for self-compassion and to set realistic expectations. I can do my best with each day I have, but the days I have do not look the same. In particular, there are 4-5 days after each treatment where I feel like utter crap, and the fatigue is unbelievable. I finished my most recent treatment round this past Saturday. On Sunday, I left the house with George and the kids at 6:00am to drop Grady at a diving meet in Waterloo and take Tilly to a gymnastics meet in Orangeville (just over 2 hours away). By the time we got there, I was too tired and sore to go in, so I set my alarm and slept in the car while George took Tilly in for registration. I staggered in for the March In and to see her events. I was back in the car by noon and slept the whole way home (and don’t even really remember picking Grady up on the way). I transferred to my bed and slept another 4-5 hours before getting up to work on a puzzle with Sydney, since it was her last day home for Spring Break. After a while, I told her I needed another little nap and headed off… and did not surface until 4:00am, which meant I missed any opportunity to help her pack or have a last dinner with her. So, a pretty pitiful show of parenting by even the most minimal standards, but that was the day I had. I should note that this self-compassion is still aspirational at times, and there are still many tears of frustration over this gap between the days I have and the parent and partner I want to be.

Finally, I am a big believer in having the right soundtrack for life, and I have amassed quite a collection of songs for different purposes. I have songs to cheer me up, songs to remind me to be brave, and songs that make me laugh. But continuing on the theme of self-compassion, there are two songs I use on days that I need to remind myself that sometimes good enough is good enough. They are both by Ingrid Michaelson, and one is a reminder that sometimes you are just aiming for okay (Be OK). The other is a reminder that on particularly crappy days, the only thing I literally must do is breathe (Keep Breathing). I am sharing them in case they give someone else those important reminders too.

So, there you have it. A peek behind the curtain at days when I am not crushing moguls and driving a snow groomer. Although, I am already planning how my next update can have better photos…